Navigating non-monogamous lifestyles, parties, clubs and social events can be tricky.
… Especially when you consider the party atmosphere, with varying levels of intoxication, experience, bodies, sex drives, abilities, language and sociocultural backgrounds among all the attendees.
Most of these events have some standard of expected behaviour or rules. However, regulars to these types of events, who care about the safety and enjoyment of everyone (not just their own), often lament the lack of knowledge of people new to these events and lifestyles. It often falls upon these caring regulars to look out for those less experienced, as event/club staff may not always be present to maintain safety. Lack of knowledge and understanding can result in anything from an unwanted creepy conversation, to all-out sexual assault.
There’s some important factors to consider and apply in group sex lifestyles. So, in the interest of increasing the safety and enjoyment of all involved, I’ve pulled together all my knowledge, alongside the wisdom of some seasoned group-players, to create this ‘How To Have Group Sex’ guide. Group sex may happen among close friends, or among an indeterminate number of nameless faces at a huge orgy, but the principles are the same.
In fact, i would argue that much of this info is applicable to ALL sexual connections. even 1-on-1 playtime.
The goal of all this is to improve the safety, and enjoyment of all attendees. All so that you party animals can keep coming back for more rewarding and sexy fun.
Safety = More Pleasure for all involved.
(Pro Tip – When someone feels truly safe, they may find it easier to push their limits. Yes, this means more pleasurable, potentially freakier, and rewarding play)
Which is why the FIRST Rule is:
1- Ask First!
These days, this should go without saying, but – CONSENT.
People that are truly experienced in non-monogamous sexual lifestyles are usually good at Consent. Practice it. Become skilled and literate in Consent.
The wonderful thing about group play is that sex has been brought out into the open. Everyone knows why they are there. In any other social setting, it can be nerve racking to invite an attractive stranger home for some slippery fun, but this is a much easier question in a party setting.
Generally, one can assume that some gorgeous person attending an orgy wants to have some sexy pleasure. Of course, one should NEVER assume that they want to have it with YOU. If you’re interested, ask. For added points, start with a little friendly conversation, and maybe a respectful compliment (almost everyone loves compliments!).
Make an offer.
During the act, e.g. a pile of bodies, this rule still applies. You can usually do this with a gentle touch (not on the genitals!) and some sustained eye contact or a question whispered into the ear of the person you’d like to play with. You’ll get a yes, a nod, some ‘come hither’ eyes, or they may just grab you and pull you closer if you’re offer has been accepted.
If you’re unsure of their response, take it as a NO.
Important Point: Consent with one person (e.g. one member of a couple/group) does not automatically mean consent for the other person/s. Just because everyone else is fucking doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all.
Consent is an ongoing and fluid process of asking permission and checking desire for engagement. It doesn’t take long to ask. It may seem awkward if you’re not used to it, but flex that consent muscle, and it will get stronger, more automatic and creative (and sexy!).
(Keep a look out on my Blog for my article on Consent – coming soon!)
…Which takes me to the next point-
2- Accept a ‘No’.
‘No’ is a Complete Sentence.
So are all of these:
No Thanks – Nope – Don’t – Nah – yeah, Nah (Australian slang) - Go Away – Leave me Alone – Maybe another time - Not tonight – Sorry, we’re just playing alone/together – Please Leave – I’m just watching - No, I’m ok – I need a rest – I’m leaving – I’m tired - *awkward silence* - *moving/pulling away* - *shakes head* - *no response*
Accept it and move on.
Yes under duress – A ‘Yes’ which has been pressured and harassed through determined coaxing and begging is not a ‘Yes’. It’s coercion, which is not consent. It’s also really (really, REALLY) not sexy to beg (unless, of course, it’s a part of your role play fun!). If your desired human already wasn’t interested, don’t make it icky by begging.
Sometimes your desired human may be in the middle of something intense (e.g. being fucked by 3 others). Still ask. Give them a little time to realise they’ve been asked, and reply. If they are not responding to you, it’s a No.
Of course, there is also the next point to consider in this case…
3- Don’t interrupt a Scene. Read the Room.
In many group, or one-on-one scenarios, there is an energy and intercommunication happening between the people involved. They may be Friends, they may be Lovers. They may have been planning this all night, or for MONTHS. In any case, it probably isn’t an open invitational.
Read the Room.
Some group play, and certainly kinky play, involves intense energetic, relational and emotional states. Imposing yourself upon it can ruin the experience for everyone.
Feel free to see if anyone wants to invite you in, but don’t impose. Stand back, smile and wait.
For Bonus Points – If you want to watch - Gently ask the players if you may watch, when you get a chance, without interrupting unnecessarily. Voyeurism & Exhibitionism alike are wonderful sexual experiences in themselves, and so - they both require, and are made so much hotter with a sprinkling of consent!
…This brings me to the next one –
4- Be Respectful - Don’t be Creepy or Pushy. Don’t be a Dick.
This needs special mention. I know I mentioned it during the previous rules, but it’s important. Certain clubs and parties may have their own rules or somewhat unspoken social etiquette, but these are some common ones:
Don’t beg or pressure anyone to include you or agree to sex or certain sexual acts.
Don’t try to take photos or video without consent.
Don’t argue when people ask you to leave.
Don’t use degrading language about other attendees (unless it’s a part of your play/scene).
Don’t take your condom off during sex without asking (Stealthing).
Don’t ejaculate on, or in, someone without asking.
Don’t hang around play areas in your clothes, if everyone is naked.
Don’t stare (unless it’s been reciprocated).
Don’t ‘Alpha’, or ‘stand-over’ other people.
Don’t hang around and watch when you’ve been asked to leave.
Don’t take jealousy or insecurity out on other attendees. If you get jelly or anxious, take a time out with your partner, and decide whether to stay or leave.
If it is a couple’s event, don’t abandon your partner.
There are probably many more, but I’m sure you get the point. Respect others and be a good human. Don’t treat people like things. Take responsibility for yourself and own your feelings. I feel icky just writing these things. I also don’t like writing so many “Do Not’s”.
If it seems icky for you now, while reading, when you’re not in the moment - it’s probably not something you should do when you’re a little drunk and horny.
5- Safer Sex - ‘Play to the safest persons standard’
The Nurse in me would just like to just say: USE CONDOMS!!!
But, it’s everyone’s individual choice what barrier methods and contraceptives they use, and how they practice safer sex.
While it’s beyond the scope of this article to expand on, it is important to mention that some activities in particular are also best done with some less common types of safety options, like gloves, trauma/safety scissors, or
…goggles…
Many clubs and events have expectations/agreements around what barriers are used and may supply them. The best thing to do is to just assume that condoms are to be used with all partners, unless spoken about explicitly.
‘Play to the standard of the safest person in the room’
Everyone has the right to choose what barrier methods they use to protect themselves. If someone wants to use condoms for fucking/penetration, use a condom. If someone wants you to use a dental dam before licking them, use one.
If you don’t like it, play with someone else. Don’t pressure another person to give up their own safety for the sake of your own pleasure. That’s selfish and abusive.
AND – some general points about playing with multiple people. For the safety and comfort of everyone involved:
- Change condoms between partners, or wash yourself.
- Change condoms on toys, or wash them between partners
- Wash hands between partners
- Change condoms or wash if moving from Anal to Vaginal play
- Stop fucking if your condom breaks, and tell your partner
- The more you practice using/putting on/taking off condoms, the faster and smoother you get. Ask any skilled sex worker or seasoned, condom-using group shagger!
- Condoms come in many sizes and shapes (…colours, flavours, textures…). If you don’t like the ones provided, bring some of your own.
- Lube helps prevent breakages, and makes for squishy-er, slippery-er fun!
Wonderful segue to my next Nursing topic! ->
6- Get tested Regularly. Have the Conversation.
A major risk factor for STI acquisition and spread, is having multiple sexual partners.
Sexually Transmitted Infections happen, they spread from sex, they are very common and are usually easy to treat or manage. We need to reduce the stigma associated with STI’s, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do our part to reduce the spread of them. Be responsible. Look after yourself, and the people you play with.
Sexually active people should get routine testing for STIs (via Urine/swabs & blood) at least once per year.
If you have more partners (e.g. group sex!) and/or unprotected casual sex, it’s worthwhile testing more frequently – Every 3 to 6 months. In Australia, this is free at any sexual health clinic or bulk-billing General Practitioner.
It’s important to get tested if you ever get any symptoms that you’re worried about. But, as many STI’s appear with no symptoms, it’s important to have regular screening anyway.
For Bonus Points – Speak with the people you play with about STIs. Ask when they last got tested, and if they have any STIs. This works to normalise the practice and helps each person to make informed decisions about safer sex.
7- Respect Privacy.
Some people want to stay anonymous and may even be using an alias. Respect people’s desire for anonymity and ask permission first about contacting outside of the venue/party. Don’t stalk on social media without permission. It’s easy, just ask them before you go home for the night.
Don’t ‘Out’ other people (e.g. speak about their attendance at events, or sexual behaviours/identity) in other public or social situations, without their permission. This is their information to share if they wish, not yours.
Don’t take photos or video without permission. If you have photos of your playmates, don’t share them with others without permission.
Permission, right?? (…it’s that Consent word, again.)
8- Grooming!
Sure, rugged stubble can be a hot look, and some people may like a little pash rash, but I would venture to say that most don’t. The same goes for nails – Sure, they can be sexy, but are potentially hazardous!
However, I’m pretty sure that most people don’t like the smell/feel/taste of old bodily secretions.
Just for the sake of everyone’s comfort and enjoyment –
- Freshly shave, if you’re going to. Stubble is not nice rubbing against soft, sensitive body parts. This goes for Genitals AND Faces. Unless there is a stubble fetish happening, I’d recommend going with a little more hair or none at all (never a sandpaper stubble). Alternately, laser or wax does the trick for avoiding stubble.
- Trim your nails, or at least be careful. Trim them in the morning, so the sharp edges are soft and rounded by the time you go out to an event. If you’re keeping your nails, be careful and gentle when you’re sticking them anywhere sensitive.
- Wash your body and genitals before coming to the party and wash them between play sessions if things got messy.
- Get clean, but don’t smother yourself in aftershave. Some people have allergies, and no one wants to smell you coming (cumming?) a mile away.
- If you have an active/untreated STI or are struggling with something like Thrush or BV, stay home or at least take your genitals out of the game. When mixed around with others, these things can set other people’s normal flora off, and make it an unpleasant experience for everyone in the end.
- Dress to impress (then undress!). Presentation and first impressions are important. Rocking up to an event having not made any effort to look nice, then expecting people to desire you is a bad look. Dress to the theme of the event (if there is one), or dress like you’re going on a hot date.
9- Communicate Before, During and After. Look after each other (everyone).
This one is getting its own article, because communication around sex is SUPER important. But, here are a few important points:
Plan.
If you’re attending with a Partner/Lover/Friend, discuss your boundaries, needs, desires, fears and expectations before you go to the party. In a sexually charged environment, and after a few drinks, sometimes we can get swept up in the action in front of us. Especially for people new to group play, unexpected things can happen which may leave you feeling jealous, angry or embarrassed. It’s important to decide on Boundaries before attending.
It can really help to have a pre-agreed plan of management in case anything uncomfortable happens. It may be a safe word, it may be a little signal or gesture you give to your partner to communicate ‘This is good’, ‘I don’t like this’, or ‘HELP!’. The important thing is you decide on it BEFORE the event.
Check In.
During the night and during play, it’s important to check in with anyone you’re attending with, to make sure they are OK, or to discuss any issues or invitations. This could be done via small gestures (as above), or in conscious time-out moments (e.g. go to get a drink of water). Checking in also goes for people you’re playing with on the night. The safety of these events is built upon people’s ability to look out for each other.
Debrief.
It’s important to talk about your experience after the event, if you are in a relationship, or have someone to confide in. If something went well and was fun, celebrate and talk about it (it might inspire more fun!). If something went not-so-well, talk about it (letting it stew in your mind can make it into a bigger problem). We can learn from our experiences, both good and bad, and debriefing leads to greater understanding of our own boundaries and desires. You can then apply it the next time, if there is one. Speak and give things air and light, after all the pheromones and stimulation have settled and you can think using your brain/s.
10- Be Creative & Have Fun.
Now is your Chance!
You’re surrounded by delicious, sex-positive people (hopefully). Let go a little bit!
This is your chance to explore some of your wild fantasies and express yourself with like-minded people who also love to give and receive pleasure. Experiment with letting go of some of your insecurities, take a little risk of vulnerability. Ask for what you want, talk about what turns you on. If you’re nice and respectful about it, it’s very likely that you’ll find someone that wants to be a part of your fantasy.
Likewise, if something isn’t working for you, speak up and tell your playmate that you want something. Give feedback about how things could be EVEN BETTER.
This is play time. So, PLAY.
An important aspect of this is the mantra:
“Don’t Yuk my Yum”
If someone makes you an offer, or you observe people enjoying something consensual, which you’re not into… Don’t shame them, don’t judge. Just give a ‘No, thanks’, and go on your merry way. Different Strokes, for Different Folks, right?
11- Alcohol & Drug consumption…
Keep it classy.
There is nothing wrong with a little social (& intimate) Lubricant. It can really help with confidence and adds to the energy of a party. But, no one likes someone who is stumbling around, slurring their speech and being belligerent. It can also serve to make other attendees feel less safe.
Group sex parties and venues are social environments. Being antisocial does not contribute in a positive way and does nothing to help your chances of getting laid.
An important factor in substance use is that of consent. Legally, someone is unable to give consent if intoxicated under the influence of drugs & alcohol. If someone seems way too intoxicated, don’t go there.
Just. Don’t.
12- Know your limits. Take a Break.
Go easy on yourself.
These events can be really intense, mentally and physically. Performance pressure, self-consciousness, physical limitations, and insecurities can all pop up. Especially when you’re new to it.
Be kind to yourself, and aware of your limitations. Be kind to your playmates. What is important is that everyone gets to enjoy and share some pleasure, in whatever way feels right and is within their ability.
Pleasure is everyone’s right.
Issues like erectile problems, difficulty orgasming, rapid or delayed ejaculation, strange noises, body image anxiety, and all sort of sexual “Should or Should Not” feelings can appear. Awkward things happen, fingers (or fluids) might go in eyes, things might slip and get hurt, things might get messy.
This is all a part of sex, though, Right?
If something strange, embarrassing or awkward happens, it’s OK. Take a time out, talk about it if you need to, laugh about it even, and move on. These things happen. If you’re with the right people, they won’t mind.
… (and/or book in to see a Sex Therapist!)
This all seems like a lot to remember, hey?
Well done for reading all of this. The world needs more Lovers that care, like you do.
At the end of the day (or night), what is important is Respect for each other, and the universal right to Safety and enjoyment of Pleasure. Pay attention to this, and you’ll do fine.
I wrote this with the support of many other educators, advocates and experienced non-monogamous adventurers. So, I can assure you, if you keep in mind all these things, you’re likely to have a great time.
It’s about Fun & Pleasure.
If You’re totally new to Non-Monogamy, make sure you check out my Non-Mono Primer article - HERE
If you are looking for some personalised guidance while navigating non-monogamous lifestyles, please feel free to get in contact. Whether you are new to this type of experience, curious, or well experienced, I’m happy to welcome you & your Lover/s on the couch. I’d love to work with you to help you get more out of your lifestyle and exploration of Pleasure.
~ Arlie