Non-Monogamous Lifestyles
So, non-monogamy has come up often in conversation recently among my friends, colleagues and acquaintances… It seems to be becoming more popular.
Normally, I try to remain sceptical of my perceptions (due to being completely entrenched in all things sex and sexuality), as I often find myself explaining to friends (again) what things like Bukkake are, or the joys of prostate play to hetero-identifying men. I’ve learnt that my perception of people’s general knowledge is somewhat skewed by my… somewhat ‘progressive’ worldview. At least it makes me interesting at parties, I guess!
Note: Don’t google Bukkake at work.
Over the past few years, I have noticed a vast increase in curiosity and practice of non-monogamy and non-traditional relationship structures. While things like swinging, open relationships, and other poly-type, communal relationship structures have existed for decades (or centuries… millennia, even…), people are beginning to question the long-coveted traditional structures of a family. The tradition in the west being: 2 people, marriage, 2.5 kids… Together and monogamous, sexually and emotionally, from first date until death-do-us-part. I won’t expand on the heteronormativity of this construct in the past either, as it’s beyond the scope of this article.
(*cough* Marriage Equality for all! *cough*)
Of course, together forever unless some terrible act tears us apart… (Cheating husband? Constant fighting? Sexless marriage?) I’ll let you fill in the other clichés.
So, this article is a primer on the essentials of what Non-Monogamy is and how it works in these modern times, for the beginners, the curious, or the suspicious (… settle down George, I’m not here to steal your wife).
(If any experienced people in these lifestyles thinks I’ve missed any important non-monogamy 101 items, feel free to send me and email!) Xx Arlie
Non-Monogamy
This is really an umbrella term for everything that is not Monogamy. Due to the influence of wonderful books like The Ethical Slut (By Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy), this has expanded to be Ethical Non-Monogamy. Ethical, because it is a lifestyle built upon acceptance and respect of needs & boundaries, and the safety & enjoyment of all persons involved.
You could be non-monogamous, but not ethical. This would involve not caring about other people’s feelings, not respectful of needs & boundaries, and failing to be transparent and inclusive about your desires and expectations (Tinder creeps, giving real non-mono people a bad name, I’m looking at you).
…and…
(Drumroll)
C O N S E N T .
Respect Consent.
Without going too much into consent (This will be the topic of another post), ethical non-monogamous lifestyles are built on the full and willing consent of all people involved. This means: communication, negotiation, understanding and respect.
With the increasing incidence of non-monogamous lifestyles (coupled with hook-up culture and dating apps), I fear an increase in feelings of entitlement among some people. Knowledge and confidence in the getting, giving, and application of consent is more vital than ever. A disrespectful person entering a perceived free-for-all of randy people (e.g. in an orgy) could expose the joyous participants to breaches of boundaries (accidental or intentional), disrespectful communication and sexual violence. It already happens.
The key to this is being Consent-literate. Understanding & practising consent culture is vital to keeping people safe, emotionally and physically.
(In fact, in research, self-rated feelings of pleasure have been shown to increase dramatically when consent of both partners is properly obtained, with needs & boundaries made clear) – see my essay about Pleasure.
The most common groups:
People may participate in one or all these types of lifestyles, and there is no linear progression through non-monogamy. Some couples may begin as swingers, become open, then polyamorous. Others may begin as polyamorous or open, then begin playing together in swinging scenarios. Single people may seek out relationships (or not) in any particular lifestyle. Others may embrace one type and stay with it forever. There is no ‘normal’ pathway to navigate ethical non-monogamy; just principles of communication, boundaries and consent, to keep everyone safe and happy. These broad categories also intersect with other scenes and social groups within BDSM and LGBTQIA+ circles. Anyone can explore non-monogamy, regardless of their sexual or gender identities and practices.
You do You!
Swinging & Swingers
These delightful creatures are hedonists. Swinging can occur in multiple scenarios and combinations but is largely focussed on socialising and giving & receiving pleasure. Swinging generally occurs among existing couples (or playmates), groups and some singles. Couples that swing generally participate together in some capacity. This could be anything from voyeuristic same-room play, to partner swapping for various play activities, or a completely wild pile of limbs, moans and body fluids…
Use your imagination. It’s definitely possible… and it’s probably already been done.
…What about single swingers?
Single women are coveted among swinging couples (for FFM threesomes, of course) and considered rare and magical – hence the term used: Unicorns. Increasingly more single women are exploring their unicorn side in the dating scene, often finding respectful couples an exciting option for pleasure and fun.
Single men, on the other hand, may be viewed with a little more suspicion. Many events and clubs allow couples and single women, but no single men. While many people LOVE a 2 man/1 woman (MMF) threesome, allowing single men into swinging events can result in a large volume of single men attending. Generally, like in clubs and bars, it’s nice to have a more equitable balance of genders… and remember those creepy tinder guys I mentioned before? Yeah…
But, don’t fret single gents and sausage-fest lovers! Some events allow select single male participants, so it does happen. Or, find a play mate and get into swinging together.
The old image of a somewhat wealthy middle aged, white, heterosexual couple (with plenty of plastic surgery) in Hawaiian t-shirts and fake tan comes to mind… putting their keys into a bowl and getting it on with whomever they pick out. But this is far from the case. Swingers come in all shapes and sizes, ages, ethnicities. Experienced swingers value communication and boundaries, and enjoy hearing, sharing and indulging in sexual fantasies. Swinging can be done in private, with drinks or dinner dates followed by play, in a swinger’s club, or in a larger play party event. There are even international tropical resorts dedicated to swinging.
I must add that swinging is quite heteronormative, with most couples being largely heterosexual. However, there are many wonderful bisexual people (perhaps, increasingly more..?) within the swinging scene and is a great scene for curious hetero-identifying people to explore and expand their sexuality.
Open Relationships
Some people use ‘open’ interchangeably with ‘poly(amorous)’, but I personally use them in different ways, as we shall see-
Also known as an ‘open marriage’, open relationships are generally where partners become sexually open, and allow each other the opportunity to date others separately. Often, there aren’t deep romantic feelings involved in open dating, and the focus is on socialising, fun, flirting and pleasure. It is usually somewhat casual in nature and ultimately, the couple are loyal to each other.
The boundaries of an open relationship will be agreed on by a couple, and one or both partners may date within the boundaries of their agreement. Couples may freely talk and share their experiences, or there may be a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ type of agreement. In my experience, the somewhat secretive approach is not the best path (secrets often become uncovered!). I am a firm advocate for open communication in open relationships; surprises are not often pleasant, and are a possible path to resentment & unnecessary conflict.
Importantly, in keeping this ethical, it is important that partners communicate well and are transparent about their needs & boundaries and ALL parties (including the new partner/s) understand what’s going on. Unmet expectations from investing too much can lead to hurt for anyone involved.
The line between sex and emotions can blur, and it’s important to be aware of and comfortable with the possibility of this happening. This is where we may begin to explore our next group
Polyamory
To be honest, polyamory deserves a much longer explanation, so this is an introduction for those new to the concept. Polyamory can be much more complex to describe and understand fully.
Why?
Because, Feelings…. and Polycules.
The first thing I would suggest, when hearing about others Poly relationships (or any other person’s relationships, for that matter):
Just hear them, listen and accept what they describe. Ask questions, if they are happy to answer them. That’s it. That’s the easiest way to understand. Polyamory is often confusing, even for the polyamorous!
But, this is Love, no?
-said in a French accent
Polyamory involves multiple intimate and emotional connections. Basically, the polar opposite of monogamy. A polyamorous person has a desire, and natural tendency and capacity, to feel affection and love for multiple people. Poly people may still date and have casual sexual relationships, but they may be more open to developing deeper connections with those they date. These relationships may or may not be sexual, and each connection may have different qualities from the last.
“A thousand candles can be lighted from the flame of one candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness can be spread without diminishing that of yourself.”
Mahamta Ghandi
… many non-monogamous people believe the same can be said of Love.
A Poly couple may each have multiple other individual or shared intimate partners outside their primary relationships (hierarchical polyamory). Alternately, there may be a more communal, ‘flat’ structure of importance of each relationship among polyamorous people. Poly people usually are active in exploring and embracing their intimacies and attractions, advanced in working with jealousy (yes, they still get jealous sometimes), and great at communication and negotiating and understanding consent.
A group of people involved in polyamory is known as a polycule, which can be described by a diagram of each person’s connection to the others; Kind of like a family tree. If you google something like “Polyamory polycule structures”, you will see that it is well beyond this article to describe all the possibilities.
Yep, Polycule… like a Molecule, for people who are in love.
… See? Sex is simple… er
An excellent book to read, which has become perhaps the main resource for people exploring polyamory is Opening up – By Tristan Taormino
An important point to add:
Polyamory is not to be confused with Polygamy. While, technically, polygamy or ‘to be polygamous’ may be a possible structure of polyamory, it is gendered, and generally associated with inequitable and patriarchal social structures and religious practices. To be specific, it generally refers to one cis man with multiple female wives/partners, or polygyny. In the rare cases where multiple husbands is common practice, we refer to this as polyandry.
People that live within an equitable, ethical, and free group of multiple partners are referred to as ‘Polyamorous’. An important point here is that, as a term, polyamory is inclusive of all gender & sexual possibilities for those involved.
A few words about jealousy.
“Don’t you get JEALOUS!???”
- everyone
Jealousy is normal. It can happen in any type of relationship. The things which cause feelings of jealousy vary between individuals and relationships. People new to non-monogamy may need some extra, planned time communicating their feelings to each other in order to manage feelings of jealousy. Of course, even the most far-reaching and open-minded non-mono people can feel the crushing pangs of jealousy (usually, they are just better at dealing with it).
Some examples of jealousy triggers:
Sex and physical contact with others, or particular sex acts.
Emotional intimacy with others
Time spent with others
Money spent on others
Perceived ‘favourites’ or preferences
Another person’s behaviour toward your partner
Learn Together.
Jealousy often stems from internal feelings such as those of unmet needs, shame, inadequacy or being ‘Not enough‘ or ‘Less than’. Whether those feelings are justified or not requires some internal inquiry and discussion. What is important is that we become aware of these tendencies within ourselves and communicate them with our close partners gently, as they occur. Understanding these feelings and working with them is the key to healing and preventing the damage that can occur from jealousy. A major task of boundary negotiation (aside from personal comfort and safety) is around managing feelings of jealousy.
Needs & Boundaries should be discussed IN ADVANCE of play, when everyone has a cool head (…so to speak…)
It can be a special and important practice to come together with your partner/s after a play session with others. This allows everyone to debrief and air any feelings of discomfort and jealousy, but to also share funny moments, excited feelings of joy, new tricks and pleasures.
Name it. “I’m feeling jealous… can we talk about it?”
Be honest, be vulnerable, own your feelings and don’t accuse.
Non-monogamy is certainly not for everyone, and it holds its own set of difficulties and problems. But, the pleasure, joy and satisfaction possible for non-monogamous people can easily be as great as within any committed monogamous relationship. What is important, is that we each examine our own values and ask ourselves honest questions; Are we living in accordance with our own desires and values, or those imposed upon us by societal norms? If there’s a ‘SHOULD’ or ‘Should NOT’ in your reasoning, I would suggest examining where that comes from.
Life is short, and there is much pleasure and love to be had. Don’t hide your Love away.
… seriously.